After arriving home, these were some of the emotions and thoughts I was allowing myself to experience. About a week later I realized my sin. Again, I praise God for miraculously revealing to me that these were not holy convictions. Yet, even in my valley, the Lord was there. He even provided a rainbow the Sunday after I returned, reminding me of His faithfulness, not only in Zambia, but in the turmoil I was feeling inside, upon my return.
One morning I was reading in Romans 2 and 3. As I read Paul’s words to the Romans, my motives and the depths of my heart were being brought into the open. God was once again revealing to me my pride. I realized that my attitude upon returning to the States was once again all about me. What I experienced. The confusion I was experiencing now, How no one else understood me. How disgusted I was with everyone else and this American culture. How I wanted to escape. How much I missed everything about Zambia.
That weekend after returning, that sin and self-centered heart only worsened. Instead of down, I began to become very stressed and angry. Angry at the situation for not working out. Angry at myself for not being able to figure out my life, angry and frustrated towards those around me because things weren’t working out and despite how hard they tried they couldn’t help. I prayed, but even my prayers were selfish… That God would reveal to me what he wanted me to do. But like a good father, when His daughter asked like that, He didn’t give me what I wanted.
Finally I put my hands up and gave up all my efforts. I got on my hands and knees and talked to my father earnestly out of my utter need of Him and His mercy.
Peace. He didn’t give me an answer, but He gave me peace.
Thinking back, I realize that as much of my pride and sin God revealed to me in Zambia, it wasn’t until I came home and experienced all that pain because of my sin, that I realized the importance of the truth of Romans 2:4. “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?” Repentance.
Thank you, Lord, that I do not have to store up wrath against myself. You are my Holy judge.
“God, be merciful to me;
On Thy grace I rest my plea
Plenteous in compassion Thou,
Blot out my transgressions now;
Wash me, make me pure within;
Cleanse, O cleanse me from my sin.”
By God’s grace my heart has been cleansed. He has opened the eyes of my heart to the blessings I have, the opportunity I have to share and love, and still the opportunity I have to grow in His grace. I praise His name.
So I continue, trusting in His faithfulness, His forgiveness, but also in His sovereignty.
Ps. 11:3-4 “When the foundations are being destroyed […] the Lord is in his holy temple.
Ps. 102:12 “But you, O Lord, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations.”
“Arrested by your truth and righteousness,
Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness.
Convicted by your spirit, led by your word,
Your love will never fail, your love will never fail”
Hillsong “To Know Your Name”
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